Usually, I don't really like to blog about my personal life here. But since it is Christmas and I was feeling very miserable, I really need a place to pour my heart out, lick my wounds and reflect on misbehavior.
Today, my BF made me cry and on Christmas Day too. FML! The first time he made my cry and I am going to remember the pain every Christmas day. :(
I am not using this post to discuss who is at fault etc. or how it happened; I just want to remember certain takeaways I had from this. I knew at that point of time, I was upset. I was unhappy having to be the target he lashed his frustration on. It was not entirely my fault (maybe a partial fault). But a part of me felt some grievance that I now played the role of the emotional dustbin. I was told to take some photos and just go home after that so he could work. :(
I didn't want to let the floodgates open, really. I fiddled with my phone first to distract myself from my emotions and the awkward silence. And then, I used up all my life in Candy Crush so I started to dwell. And then the tears started rolling. I had to look down. I couldn't face him. I just don't want him to see my weep. I was so super disappointed in myself.
But I broke down. I looked into my bag to find tissues but nope, no tissue. In the end, he realised I was crying when I left the train at our stop in some sort of hurry and desperate attempt to find a refuge. Had to left the station with a face mask. Cos I can't stop tearing and I am always seen cheerful. How can I face the world with a tear-stained face?
And so the cowardice me went to hide in the toilet with him waiting on the outside. But I am childish, I managed to creep out of the toilet and decided to venture on the journey alone. I messaged him to stop waiting outside. He persistently asked to meet up. I needed time to cool down. I didn't want to face him. I didn't want to talk to him.
But...I got the trains wrong and it took me one whole round back to him. So I agreed to meet up. But on the train as I was going back, I had this sense of deja vu. Around 5 years back, I sobbed. He chased. I hid. And when I don't want to be found, I could not be found. He got tired of the emotional roller coaster. I tried to make amends and it seemed a little too late. Maybe eventually, I just wasn't worth the chase.
So, I settled on truce. The drama settled less than 3 hours cos he pleaded on the case on how he could work on the next day with me like an emotional wreck. And much as I am irrationally sad then after that mad, the sensible side in me still reign supreme. I stole glances at him on our way to the destination. And I concluded...
Because...He gave up. But he put up with all my crap and emotional mood swings. That sort of slapped some sense in me. And at least I had a whole stack of Watsons tissues (Maybe it is a sign he is going to make me cry more, but I didn't think of that then.) And maybe a part of me just didn't want to go through the journey alone, because I am direction-less and somewhat lost without him. And I don't want both him and I to be unhappy too.
So this is how we survived our first argument and how I got tissues for Christmas. Sigh...
I guess at the end of the day, I am happy just to see him smile. And when he is flustered with my tears, it makes me guilty, small, and very very selfish. The whole idea of a relationship in very practical sense is to value-add each other - spiritually and emotionally. And now I am back to my blissful, happy self. Cos his wrinkly, ugly smile makes my little heart very very pleased!